Adoption-Living the Trauma

       Adoption is an amazing thing to endure.  Whether you have been adopted or are adopting a child, or even giving up a child for adoption, it all has it's ups and downs.  I am an adoptee.  I never really knew my full story until I met my birth family when I was 25.  Growing up, I never knew where I came from or who I really was. My parents did tell me that I was adopted but that was all they were willing to share.  Even though it was a closed adoption, I always knew that they knew more than they let on. 

        At age 25, I was able to find my adoption agency (my adopted mom had told me), and reached out to them.  The only thing they could offer was a website that I could post on to potentially find them.  After posting, not long after and miraculously enough, my birth mom reached out.  I was very hesitant to believe it was her until she sent me a photo of herself.  It was then that I cried and knew that I had found who I was and where I came from.  Seeing you in someone else is the most amazing thing, especially when you have never seen that before.  We started with one of many conversations which led into meeting in person.  I found that I had a biological brother, which turned out to be exactly like me in male form.  I met them, along with my birth Dad and a couple Aunts and Uncles.  My birth Dad was an alchoholic, and had been since before I was born, which is the reason I was put up for adoption.  Over time, I could not handle talking to him and cut ties completely.  He was too far gone to start a relationship with.  I cut ties to protect myself. 

          Throughout my life, I have overcome many traumas.  I had anxiety/depression my whole childhood, which I was not aware of as I had no idea what that was.  My birth mom had to explain that we have a strong family history of that, which explained the constant pain in my chest growing up.  As a teenager, I dated someone for about 4 years, who really ruined me after cheating, and caused a lot of trauma in other ways.  I ended up pushing that out of mind after awhile, which my mind blocked a lot of it until it later re-surfaced in my life.  I also went through a terrible trauma of loosing a niece in a horrific way.  That has broken my heart for the last 20 years.  I still have not overcome that, as hard as I do try.  Another major event that has been a journey, was loosing my grandma 3 weeks before our son was born.  That broke me quite a bit and a piece of me has been missing ever since.  My grandma was my person.  I know she is still with me, but since she isn't in the physical world anymore, some days can be harder than others. Trauma is a very tough things.  There are so many forms of trauma and some are much harder to overcome than others.        

             For those of you who may be struggling with putting your child up for adoption or even wanting to adopt, there is so much hope! For those adoptees out there, I see you and hear you.  I have recently joined a group online that has been so refreshing as they all understand what I have been through and we all understand each other.  Never hesitate to reach out to me even if you just need to talk or if you are looking for advice.  I love to listen and help others whenever I can!